Blogging the Bible: Spiritual Update and Psalm 17

                This week I am struggling, bad.  I find myself angry with God and not really wanting to read the Bible.  My faith and understanding are failing me.  I can’t understand why God, who loves us and has good things planned for us, would continue to allow this deep overwhelming pain to reside here.  Sure, intellectually, I know suffering develops character, but I really don’t care about developing character.  I’ve had enough for now thank you very much.  I just want this struggle to end.  I’m tired of fighting this.  I’m tired of seeing the way infertility kills my wife each and every day.  I’m tired of hoping, only to have the cycle fail.  I’m tired of this roller coaster of emotions.  If God sees our inner thoughts and knows our pain, why won’t he help?  He knows how deeply we want children and yet nothing happens.  He knows how much pain this causes and yet there is no relief.  Frankly, I could go with some thundering from the mountain tops right now because it doesn’t feel like God is listening. 

                I suppose, at a certain level, the fact that our last medicated cycle had better numbers than any previous cycle should be proof that we are getting somewhere and I’m sure someone would argue that it is a sign of God’s faithfulness.  “See this cycle was better than the last one,” they would say, “maybe the next one will be even better.  You just have to keep trusting.”  Sorry, that’s not working right now.  A failed cycle is a failed cycle regardless of how “good” the numbers looked. 

                That was my attitude yesterday.  Today is a bit better, but only slightly.  After writing yesterday, I left for work.  Once I got to work the words from “Great is Thy Faithfulness” got stuck in my head.

 “Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!”
  Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
    “Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/19#ixzz2ch04BwDu

A few lines in particular stand out.  “Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not…”  Great line, but I’m having a hard time believing it.  Same thing with “Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow…”  Again, great line, but I’m struggling with it because I don’t feel the bright hope for tomorrow.  Maybe that’s why this hymn is considered one of the greats.  It reminds us of God’s faithfulness even when we don’t feel it.  It’s a hymn to sing in spite of my circumstances as an affirmation that I do trust in God's great faithfulness.

                A few lines also stand out from Psalm 17.  The psalm is a plea from David to deliver justice to those who have sent false accusations against him, but a few verses seem quite applicable to my own state.  “Hear, O Lord my righteous plea: listen to my cry, Give ear to my prayer – it does not rise from deceitful lips…I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer.” (Psalm 17:1, 8)  David’s plea is for God to bring down those who have lied and persecuted David.  David earnestly asks God to hear his prayers.  My plea is for God to grant us a healthy child.  Just like David, I am earnestly pleading with God to hear my prayers.